Does Your Husband Want to Live in a Corner of the Roof?

Does your husband want to live in a corner of the roof? I hope not! Why would he? Why would anyone?

Well, the Bible mentions that there is a situation in which a husband would prefer to live in the corner of the roof than in the house. Is it due to a rodent infestation, bedbugs, or a busted pipe flooding the place? No. It’s due to a contentious wife!

What does contentious mean? See the Greek and English dictionary entries at the bottom of the post. Simply put, it means: being prone to argue, quarrel, and being disagreeable.

You may be familiar with these verses:

It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
(Proverbs 21:9)

 It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
(Proverbs 25:24)

These are not the only verses that mention the hardship of living with a contentious woman/wife. See also: Proverbs 19:13, Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 27:15-16

Clearly, these verses, whether they are taken metaphorically or literally, can stand as a warning for men. Find a good wife – a woman with a quiet and gentle spirit. (1 Peter 3:4) Not a contentious one! But these verses can also speak to us wives. They show us how damaging our behavior could be. And from the power in God’s word and the work of the Holy Spirit, these verses are convicting! We can look at ourselves honestly and ask, “Do I do this? Am I contentious?” We should do all we can to not drive our poor husbands to the roof!

A man living on the roof sounds like avoidance. He does not want to be around his wife. Who can blame him? Today, a husband might not retreat to the roof, but he might be driven to retreat in other ways. For instance, he might avoid having to deal with a contentious wife by limiting the time he spends with her. He might hang out in his Man Cave often or stay “busy” in his garage or workshop. He might talk less. Share less. Take up his free time with gaming or his phone. Anything to avoid an argument or disagreement.

If a husband does do these things, it would be best if he could find a way to talk with his wife and try to get the problem fixed, even to the point of getting help from brothers/sisters in the Lord or through counsel his wife would listen to. He shouldn’t have to suffer in silence. Alternately, tragically, he might decide the “roof” isn’t far enough and leave.

How to Know if You Are Contentious

Are you contentious? You could ask your husband. …

Ok, that might be a tall order for some wives, but asking could be an option for others. And what better place to get feedback from? You can honor him by taking his feedback to heart, reflecting on it, and praying about it. If you find he is right, with humility and the help of God, may you find your way to apologizing, repenting, and taking steps to do better! (See below for some steps you could take.)

If asking your husband seems as tempting as jumping in front of a firing squad, consider instead the following list. It contains examples of ways a wife might be contentious. You can use it to self-assess. This is not a complete list.

In no particular order:

⧁ Arguing often or being disagreeable even over small things.
⧁ Not prone to compromise. Has to have her way.
⧁ Thinks she is always right and will stay on the mat arguing her point ad nauseam.
⧁ Wanting to keep arguing even after the conversation has ended.
⧁ Using sarcasm, guilt trips, or bringing up the past instead of trying to communicate well and be agreeable.
⧁ Arguments often escalate to name calling, insults, or shouting.
⧁ Ignoring, minimizing, or denying her husband’s God-given authority. Not submissive.
⧁ Refusing to accept his decisions or pushing back against them.
⧁ Criticizing his decisions and actions regularly, even when they aren’t directly related to her.
⧁ Lowly valuing his opinion or feelings – steamrolls him.
⧁ Refusing to talk things out and work on problems when her husband wants to.
⧁ Refusing to take feedback, constructive criticism, or correction from her husband or getting angry or defensive when she hears them.
⧁ Being stubborn and not taking accountability for her sinful behavior.

No wonder a husband would want to retreat! Even from a small portion of this!

Now, some might say if your husband thinks you are contentious, you are. But I think that is possibly a dangerous rule of thumb. It depends on the husband and his care for you. Abusive husbands could use that rule of thumb to do damage and control negatively. You know your husband best, so give his input the appropriate weight and be honest with yourself.

With a good husband, in order to do better, it does help a lot to know what behaviors he deems contentious. If you have talked about it and can see that he is right, seek to change.

If he is misreading your behavior, heart, or motives, let him know. He might see something as contentious even when you are not carrying that in your heart. This needs to be sorted out and understood. It is too easy for couples to see things differently from each other. This really comes down to the specific dynamics between a husband and wife. Good communication is key! Something like this happened in my marriage. It took time for us to sort it out, but we did.

If there is something you can do differently even if there isn’t contention in your heart, but it LOOKS that way to him, change! As he is your head, it would be right to follow him in this. Bonus? His life will be better!

What about a husband? Can a husband be contentious? This is possible too, though if you’re like me, due to years of knowing about the Bible verses about contentious women and trying to avoid being contentious, you might connect it more with wives than husbands.

But anyone can be argumentative or disagreeable. It is bad behavior that can come out regardless of given roles. If a husband is not living his role well, not loving his wife and leading her well with some polish and practice, he may indeed be argumentative or disagreeable. Even the best husbands might slip into a mood from time to time that brings it out. Being extra tired, stressed, or hungry could be factors. It could also be what some might call a bad personality characteristic or habit. In a believer, that would be a call for repentance and pursuing sanctification as it would be sinful to walk in it. (See Bible verses below.)

When a husband is argumentative or disagreeable on a regular basis, it can be draining and demoralizing. If you are in this situation, you might find yourself wanting to avoid your husband, i.e., get out on the roof! I recommend, instead, talking with him. If you cannot make progress, please seek help from your church or other appropriate sources.

Replace Contentiousness with Obedience to God’s Word

 If you have found contentiousness in yourself, first, I think it is great that you looked! It is not easy to self-examine. We don’t always like what we find. But this shows that your heart is seeking after God. So now what? Now, it is time to do something about it. With the help of God, you can change. Here are some suggestions to help moving forward.

PRAYER, THE BIBLE, and YOUR HUSBAND

Keep praying for God’s help to identify contentious moments or behavior and that He might continue to soften your heart to make good changes. Understand that change might not happen overnight, but keep going! And it might take time for your husband to notice changes, depending on how much of a pivot there is. He might be skittish to “come down off the roof.” Be consistent so he will come down and so that you don’t drive him back up!

If appropriate and possible, ask your husband to point out when you are being contentious so you can learn to spot it better and avoid it. Learn to see through his eyes. Brace yourself for his feedback with humility and an openness to change.

Turn to the Bible for more and continuing conviction. It is the sword that pierces (Ephesians 6:17, Hebrews 4:12), but for your good and sanctification! Pray and seek to behave as the word of God directs all Christians to act in general, as well as wives in particular. Some verses to focus on:

Verses for Wives

Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, Titus 2:3-5, 1 Peter 3:1-7 These verses speak to the role of submission that God has given to wives. Submissiveness is contrary to contentiousness. They cannot occupy the same space. There are a number of posts on my website that take a close look at submission if you want to dig in deeply. See: Submission Posts
1 Peter 3:3-4 Have a gentle and quiet spirit. It’s hard to be contentious if you are maintaining a gentle and quiet spirit!
Proverbs 31:12 Do your husband good every day. Being contentious is the opposite of doing him good.
Proverbs 21:9, etc Meditate on the verses about contentiousness to remember the harm it can do.

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.
Psalms 141:3

Verses for All Christians in General

Proverbs 20:3 Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, But any fool will quarrel.
Proverbs 17:14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water, So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.
Proverbs 26:21 Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife.
Ephesians 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
Philippians 2:14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
Philippians 4:5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

MORE SUGGESTIONS

You might find it helpful to talk less! Bite your tongue if you think you might be contentious. Take a break if needed and pray for wisdom about how to speak well. There is wisdom in restraining our speech. (Proverbs 10:19, Proverbs 15:28, Proverbs 15:1-2,4, Proverbs 21:23, James 1:26)

Send the message that you are calm and approachable with a pleasant tone and posture. Smile more, but not in a creepy way! Lol

Work on your communication skills. Watch your words and tone. Listen to how you sound when you talk to your husband. Would you want someone to talk to you like that? And work at being a better listener.

Being a godly wife takes God’s help, our obedience, and intentional work and practice. From our love for God and a desire to do His will, we can strive to give our husbands our best and love them as we ought. (Titus 2:4)

 

 

Here are the promised definitions of contentious from both Greek and English dictionaries.

GREEK

Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance’s entry for the Hebrew for “contentious” in the verses given above:

H4066 מָדוֹן mâdôn maw-dohn’
a contest or quarrel: – brawling, contention (-ous), discord, strife.

ENGLISH

Merriam Webster

1. likely to cause disagreement or argument
a contentious issue

2. exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes
a man of a most contentious nature

Dictionary.com

1. tending to argument or strife; quarrelsome:
a contentious crew.
Synonyms: argumentative, disputatious

2. causing, involving, or characterized by argument or controversy:
contentious issues.

 

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 12:4

CLOSING WORD

I took a break from revising my novel to write this post. While I strongly believe in that work and the story I want to tell, I miss writing here on a regular basis. Lord willing, I will write here more often when the book is finished. Please pray for me as I continue to be in treatment for CIRS, deal with the illness, and try to make progress in my writing. I am almost halfway through revising my full draft. So, lots more to do! Back to work I go!